Wednesday, July 15, 2009

After the honeymoon - Advice to new grooms from an old wife

By Meredith Leigh Knight

1. If you don’t like something she cooks, just eat it anyway. Don’t ask if it’s a new recipe, don’t make a big production of scraping the burned part off, and, for heaven’s sake, don’t brag about it! She’s eating it, too, and knows it tastes bad.

Once my husband ate a casserole with raw chicken just so I wouldn’t get upset. Don’t go to this extreme. It has the opposite effect on women. When I saw the raw chicken on my fork, I was horrified. My husband, who was half-finished with his meal, said, “Yeah, I was afraid to say anything.” To which I responded, “You mean you’d rather get SALMONELLA than tell me the chicken is raw! Do you think I’m that crazy? Do you? DO YOU?”
Then I ran to the bedroom in tears.

Later in your marriage, you might think one of your wife’s failed cooking stories is funny and decided to retell it in front of her friends from the Junior Service League. In which case, you will be eating raw chicken from now on, and she will no longer care if you catch Salmonella.

2. If your new bride is running late, don’t repeatedly tell her the time. She knows she is late. And don’t go to the car and honk. This is not helpful, because then she will get angry and forget what she is looking for, which most of the time will be something that you need. Either ask what you can do or get out of the way. And, if she asks, her dress looks beautiful, and, please, try to be sincere when you say it.

3. When you are both in a hurry, do not ever jump into the shower right before she does. It doesn’t matter if she uses all the hot water. Trust me, jump in before she does, and you’ll throw her off her game, and you’ll be late. And it will be your fault.

4. No matter how frustrated you get at her (and, yes, you will), do not whistle, sing or hum the lyrics, “Now, I’m praying for the end of time” from Meat Loaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Not only will this make her mad, it will make her want to laugh, which will make her furious.

5. Do not try to be an interior decorator. That is her job. I don’t care if you hate the color red. She will, too, in a year and want to change it anyway. By the way, it’s mauve, not pink, and it’s a great bedroom color. And, yes, blue and brown go together now.

6. Always buy her a gift for her anniversary, even if she says she doesn’t want anything. If you agree to not exchange gifts, then buy her a card, a sweet one. Funny is okay as long as it’s funny-sweet. Yeah, I know, it’s subtle. Do not get her an IOU unless you intend to let her cash it in the next day. Otherwise, it’s a piece of paper.

7. When she is talking to you about her day, and you are tuning her out (and you will), make some kind of reply such as “Wow.” “Really?” “How about that?” “How’d you find that out?” Say anything, but do not ignore her. If she has to ask mid-sentence, “Are you listening to me?” then you are ignoring her. And that means raw chicken tonight.

8. Do take her out to a nice restaurant now and then. That pricey appetizer and small steak will not only make her happy, it will probably allow you a few trips to Hooters in between.

9. Take the trash out. Do I really need to put this one on here?

10. Tell her good morning even when you are grumpy, good night even when you are tired, and I love you even when you don’t feel like it, and you’ve got the makings for a long and happy marriage.

Best wishes and God bless.

1 comment:

My ADHD Me said...

This is SO funny....yet true!

Do they really think that when we are running around in a frenzied rush, that the honking horn will make us smile and magically appear in the car seat next to them.

Oh, here's a note for new brides. Do not..DO NOT ask if your outfit makes you look fat unless you want the truth. It is just a no win situation for the groom. AND if the truth is that it does make you look fat...well, he was honest.