Why moms can't nap

My husband can nap as long as he likes, totally uninterrupted. In fact, if he is sleeping, the kids will tiptoe around, ever so carefully as not to wake him up. For example, one day, my son said in a hushed voice, “I need my shoes.”

“Well, go get them,” I said.

“But they’re in your bedroom.”

“Well, go get them.”

“But Daddy’s sleeping in there.”

“Well, go get them—quietly.”

I watched him as he peered into the dark bedroom as if it’s a cave and then made a quick dash for his shoes as if he were afraid of waking the sleeping bear inside.

Now to be fair, my husband’s really a nice guy, and I doubt he would yell at them if they woke him up. Of course, the kids make sure there is no opportunity to test that theory. It must be some kind of father/child rule. There’s even a board game about it called “Don’t Wake Daddy!”

Moms, however, are a different animal. After a wee late night with some friends followed by a way early morning cheering on my children at their sporting event, I decided I would try to take one of those naps that I had heard so much about recently. (It seems they boost your brain.) So, after trying twice, my research determined that it is physically impossible for moms to nap.

Here’s why:

As soon as you are on the verge of falling asleep, you will hear one or more of your children ask, “Where’s Mom?”

Then you will hear them call, “MOM!” as they frantically search the house.

You will shout, “I’m in here!” ten times.

The kids will run in, jump on the bed, and say, “We just wanted to know where you were.”

Next the phone will ring and ring and ring, and no one will answer it.

The phone will ring and ring and ring, and your kids will scream that they can’t find it.

The phone will ring and ring and ring, so you’ll get up, find it, answer it, and it will be your children. They are at the neighbor’s house and want to know if they can stay and play. It seems waking Mommy is always better than asking Daddy.

Someone you don’t want to see will appear at your door. Go ahead, pick a person. It works like magic. Usually, it’s the most gossipy person in the neighborhood, and she will look at the dirty dishes in the sink, then at you, then at her watch and ask, “I’m sorry. Were you sleeping?” Next thing you know the world thinks you have a drinking problem.

The dog will get loose and reek havoc on the neighborhood

The kids will walk in and ask you a question as if you were wide awake.

Wait a minute…Did they just ask for candy, Coke and ice cream again?

Your husband won’t be able to find any clean forks.

Every member of your family will come in and ask “What’s for dinner?” at separate times.

Your husband will decide to work on a project that you’ve been trying to get him to do for six months, and he will need your help ASAP. Warning, saying no could mean another six months.

The world will stop spinning and fall off its axis.

You will give in and go out and play with the kids. After all, there will be plenty of time to nap once they’ve up and gone.