My little secret

Back in sixth grade, we used toilet paper. As adults, women buy bras that have basically the same effect, except we pay $50-60 from Victoria Secret, so the stuffing won’t fall it.

And it’s worth it. If you’re going to stuff, they are the best. Back in the early 90s when padded bras became the rage, I bought one from Wal-mart. Not a good idea. I was in a business meeting with all men, when something made me look down. One of my figure-enhancing pads was now on the outside, having slipped out of the top of my bra and my shirt. Nice, real nice.

So, I’ve shopped at Victoria Secret ever since. I figured they know what they are doing. I mean, you’ve seen the models, right? They had a prime time special not too long ago. My problem with VS is the marketing, not the models, the fact that each bra they offer promises to do more than the next. When does it end?

First, there was the Miracle bra. I rushed out and bought it. Guess what? No miracles. Lucky for me there’s the all NEW Miracle bra. Then I tried the water bra. It was perhaps my favorite, except for worrying about leaks, and the fact that I felt a little silly.

After that I tried the Curves bra, guaranteed to give me (what else?) curves, since, according to the marketing, no amount of working out would do that for me. Okay, they had a point there. The less-than-comfortable Curves was soon followed by Biofit, totally fitted for my body. Uh huh.

I read in Cosmopolitan magazine (while I was in the check-out line at the grocery dressed in my favorite shabby formula-stained sweatshirt with three sticky young children in tow) that women should wear pretty unmentionables, so they’ll feel more confident. Having just run into an old (childless) friend from high school who was dressed to the nines after attending a wine tasting, I decided it couldn’t hurt.

So, I bought the Sexy bra. Little itchy but not too bad. It definitely beat the nursing bra I had continued to wear even though my children were long since weaned. Just when it was starting to make me feel a little more like a woman versus a washer-woman, enter the Very Sexy bra. Now, how can I walk around feeling sexy when my socialite friend from high school was feeling VERY sexy?

This season’s catalog arrived, and it unveils the latest (and greatest) bra…Perfect One. Apparently, “No one’s perfect. Until Now.” I can’t wait for next year’s. I bet it will be called, “Even MORE perfect.”

It’s enough to make me want to stage a bra burning—right outside Victoria Secret.