Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Webster's for women

A friend of mine remarked that his wife was going out for a while and posed the question: "How do women measure whiles?" I found it such a good question that I pondered it myself and realized we women do have a vocabulary of our own. And while I may be branded as a traitor, I decided to fill the men in our lives in on a few of our terms.

A little while -- Depends on the context. For example, if a woman asks, "In a little while, can you take out the garbage?" it means "right now." If she says, "I'm going shopping, I'll be back in a little while," then it means you'd better plan to make yourself dinner.

In a minute -- For example, if her child asked to play with playdough, and she says in a minute, that means never.

Someday -- If your wife says someday she wants a new kitchen and you say OK, then you'd better stock up on paper plates because she'll have it under construction by the following Monday. If, on the other hand, she says someday she'd like to get up at five and start going on family runs, don't worry, you won't be losing any sleep any time soon.

I guess I'm confused -- This is a Southern lady's way of saying, "I am right, and you know it, and I'm letting you know I know it -- in a polite way."

Maybe I'm wrong -- This means, "I am right, but I'm going to let you think you are."

I don't want anything for ____ (fill in the blank holiday) means, I want something for ________(fill in the blank holiday), and if you don't get me anything, I'll be mad.

"Don't let me eat any more chocolate" -- This does not mean you should comment when you hear the wrappers rattling in the kitchen pantry. In fact, this basically means that "when I want chocolate, stay out of my way." And, better yet, "Buy me more chocolate."

Bless her heart -- This phrase means I like her, but I'm about to talk about her anyway.

I want this recipe -- This means "These are delicious! No way are they from scratch."

I can't remember where I bought these shoes -- If she is speaking to a woman, it means "I got them at Payless, but I want you to think they are expensive." If she is talking to her husband, it usually means they are expensive, but she wants him to think they are cheap. She may also be saying, "You are a man. Since when do you notice my shoes?"

Book club -- A sophisticated name for drinking wine, eating appetizers and getting out of the house, so we can hang out with other women. And, yeah, reading a few books.

Girls' Night Out -- That means "a mental health night." Don't complain about her going, and you might get a good night kiss.

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