Let me tell you what I did in college...

11 Things not to say to parents who have just sent a child off to college

(These are actual remarks that people, some I barely know and some I wish I didn’t, have made to me upon finding out my precious daughter is a freshman in college. Enjoy and feel free to add your own.)

1. That’s where I learned to funnel upside down!

2. “How OLD are you?” Followed by, “I never knew you were THAT old!”

3. My cousin’s friend’s mama works on a college campus, and she said that the big thing now is S-E-X—with multiple partners, girls, boys, as many as they can, wherever they can.

4. I worked on campus and that was a great way to find time to study and earn my beer money. You should tell her to get a job to pay for her own beer money like my grandfather did me.

5. My father is a professor there, and let me tell you, your daughter is getting an education in partying. You are paying for her not to go to class. None of those kids do; all they do is party. [Note: I was literally stopped in the street and told this by an acquaintance. I was walking, and she whipped her minivan over, nearly killing me, to dispense this useful information.]

6. Did she get the check I sent? [That’s code for “The ungrateful brat never sent me a thank you note.”]

7. That’s going to set you back a pretty penny.

8. I heard that was a good school for kids who want to keep their Hope scholarship.

9. Oh, she couldn’t get into Georgia?

10. That’s a party school!

11. Have you heard from her? [This one always makes me cry!!!]