You'd better resolve to...

This year I made a very long list of resolutions. I was so proud of myself. I had spent all year gathering them, noting areas that needed improvement and jotting them down in a notebook, sometimes several times a day.

Following this year’s list would make my life stress-free. There would be no grumpiness, no worries, just peace, love and joy year round. My house would run like a well-oiled machine. My floors would shine, my car would stay clean and full of gas, dinner would be served promptly when I got home from work. I really couldn’t wait for the New Year.

That is until my husband informed me I wasn’t allowed to make resolutions for him. As a matter of fact, he said he had his own set and picking up his socks was not at the top of it (or on it at all, actually). Furthermore, he had the nerve to say that resolutions began with “I,” not “You’d better.” And, to make matters worse, my children had the gall to ask, “What’s a resolution?”

What a let-down. To think I had worked so hard this year. Since I’m not one to be easily daunted, however, I sat down to revise my list. It just needs a dash of creativity, I thought.

See what you think of this version:

I resolve to disable the horn in my husband’s truck, so he can’t honk at me when I’m running late.

I resolve to put a basketball hoop around the clothes hamper to encourage its use.

I resolve to allow the kids to keep all of the money they find while cleaning out my car.

I resolve to put a television in the kitchen, so my husband will cook more.

I resolve to wash the whites with reds to see if real men do wear pink (and to find out how long they will before they breakdown and wash clothes themselves).

I resolve to place biohazard tape across the kids’ doors when their rooms need cleaning.

I resolve to hang a sign around our dog’s neck that says, “Please feed me, water me and walk me. This means you.”

I resolve to allow the kids to wear roller skates in the house, as long as they do it with a mop or broom in hand.

I resolve to let my family make a few resolutions for me, too. (But I don’t resolve to keep them!)

Happy New Year to you and yours. By the way, if you could make a resolution for someone, who and what would it be?

Until next year

The day after Christmas I opened the back door and tossed the tree out. Man, that’s a good feeling!

You know how some people take great pleasure in decorating the house and preparing for Christmas. Well, I take great pleasure in taking it all down. In fact, I found myself growing happier and happier with each ornament I packed away.

Don’t get me wrong, we had a great holiday, and I enjoyed it. Now bring on the New Year.

You see, while some people grow bored with their daily routine, I thrive on mine. I like to wake up at the same time (not too early), eat the same thing for lunch (baked potato), do the same work-out every day (free weights), and tuck the kids into bed at the same time every night (8:30). It just works for me.

My children, on the other hand, are already missing the excitement of it all. My son looked out the back door and asked, dismayed, “What’s the Christmas tree doing outside?”

I explained to him that it was over until next year.

“That’s okay; the next one is only 365 days away!” he said.

That’s quite a few potatoes, I thought. Maybe I should change it up this year. Live life on the edge a little more. Try some exotic dish, get up hours earlier to run, let the kids stay up to 9:00.

Nah! As my dad always said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

The best Christmas gift ever

“This is the best Christmas ever,” my daughter proclaimed.

I couldn’t help but smile. She’s enthusiastically made this statement every year since she learned to talk. And, fortunately, so.

It was a good Christmas for me, too. As the kids grow older, they are more involved in choosing my gifts, which makes it more fun for me (no offense, honey). I never know what they think I can’t live without.

This year my son went shopping with my husband and came home strangely quiet. He’d smile and nod but volunteered no information about how they’d spent their day. This year’s present was going to be a good one; I could tell.

As I opened my gifts on Christmas Day, my son was too distracted with his own treasures to pay much attention to me. Eventually, he came over as I was slowly unwrapping and asked, “Did you open the one with diamonds yet?”

“With diamonds?” I asked excitedly, beginning to pick up the pace.

“Oops!” he said, as he clasped his hand over his mouth.

I tossed aside the gift I was unwrapping and ripped open his small package in anticipation.

Inside was the biggest, gaudiest, I mean, most beautiful, necklace that I’ve ever seen.

“It’s your birthstone,” he said of the huge bright purple piece of plastic. “And look at the diamonds. It’s covered in them.”

“Wow!” I said, impressed he knew my birthstone.

“Can you believe it only cost $25?”

“Are you sure it wasn’t $2,500 or $250?” I asked.

“No, ma’am. It was only $25! Can you believe it?” he asked proudly.

“Well, you really aren’t supposed to tell people how much their gifts cost,” I said, then seeing the disappointed look on his face, quickly added, “but I’m glad you told me. You are really a smart shopper, and I love it.”

My husband later told me that as they were checking out with my gift card, my son spotted the necklace and insisted I had to have it. The saleslady asked my husband if he needed a receipt, and he replied, "I don't think she'll be bringing it back."

He was right. I guess I could hide it in a drawer and pull it out for special occasions (like when my son asks about it), but I’m not. I plan to wear it as often as I can. I’ve worn it to the grocery store and the gym so far, although I must admit it’s raised a few eyebrows from other women. That’s okay. They may look at as $25 costume jewelry, but to me, it’s priceless.

It's not too late...

My son woke me up at 8:00 a.m. this morning.

"It's Christmas eve," he whispered.

I nodded, too sleepy to correct him by explaining that it is really Christmas eve day.

"Do you need any chores done?" he asked.

Apparently, he is still concerned about which list he is on. Looks like I may have a sparkling clean house after all, thanks to my little elves.

I'll let you know how he fares tomorrow. In the meantime, in case you're worried, Santa says it's not too late to make the nice list.

Why moms can't nap

My husband can nap as long as he likes, totally uninterrupted. In fact, if he is sleeping, the kids will tiptoe around, ever so carefully as not to wake him up. For example, one day, my son said in a hushed voice, “I need my shoes.”

“Well, go get them,” I said.

“But they’re in your bedroom.”

“Well, go get them.”

“But Daddy’s sleeping in there.”

“Well, go get them—quietly.”

I watched him as he peered into the dark bedroom as if it’s a cave and then made a quick dash for his shoes as if he were afraid of waking the sleeping bear inside.

Now to be fair, my husband’s really a nice guy, and I doubt he would yell at them if they woke him up. Of course, the kids make sure there is no opportunity to test that theory. It must be some kind of father/child rule. There’s even a board game about it called “Don’t Wake Daddy!”

Moms, however, are a different animal. After a wee late night with some friends followed by a way early morning cheering on my children at their sporting event, I decided I would try to take one of those naps that I had heard so much about recently. (It seems they boost your brain.) So, after trying twice, my research determined that it is physically impossible for moms to nap.

Here’s why:

As soon as you are on the verge of falling asleep, you will hear one or more of your children ask, “Where’s Mom?”

Then you will hear them call, “MOM!” as they frantically search the house.

You will shout, “I’m in here!” ten times.

The kids will run in, jump on the bed, and say, “We just wanted to know where you were.”

Next the phone will ring and ring and ring, and no one will answer it.

The phone will ring and ring and ring, and your kids will scream that they can’t find it.

The phone will ring and ring and ring, so you’ll get up, find it, answer it, and it will be your children. They are at the neighbor’s house and want to know if they can stay and play. It seems waking Mommy is always better than asking Daddy.

Someone you don’t want to see will appear at your door. Go ahead, pick a person. It works like magic. Usually, it’s the most gossipy person in the neighborhood, and she will look at the dirty dishes in the sink, then at you, then at her watch and ask, “I’m sorry. Were you sleeping?” Next thing you know the world thinks you have a drinking problem.

The dog will get loose and reek havoc on the neighborhood

The kids will walk in and ask you a question as if you were wide awake.

Wait a minute…Did they just ask for candy, Coke and ice cream again?

Your husband won’t be able to find any clean forks.

Every member of your family will come in and ask “What’s for dinner?” at separate times.

Your husband will decide to work on a project that you’ve been trying to get him to do for six months, and he will need your help ASAP. Warning, saying no could mean another six months.

The world will stop spinning and fall off its axis.

You will give in and go out and play with the kids. After all, there will be plenty of time to nap once they’ve up and gone.

Planning for the New Year

As I sit here with a stack of unmailed Christmas cards, I begin to plan our New Year’s get-together. I’m a big planner, you see. From the moment I wake up in the morning, I’m thinking ahead.

“What do you want for dinner?” I’ll ask my husband as I wash the breakfast dishes. He looks at me like I’m crazy, and he is probably right. If he were to suggest filet mignon, it would be undoubtedly end up being hot dogs.

I’ve often heard if you fail to plan; you plan to fail. I’m sure that’s true in most cases, but somehow my best laid plans never come to fruition. The closet doesn’t get cleaned, the steak doesn’t get thawed, and the next chapter in my book doesn’t get written. Yet, being the optimist that I am, I wake up each day with a new list in hand and a new plan for getting all of my daily goals accomplished.

Of course, as parents know, there are boo boo’s to be kissed, cookies to be baked, disputes to be refereed and board games to be played, all keeping us from our to-do list. And thankfully so.

I sometimes wonder, however, if the more we plan, the harder God laughs. I’m not saying he shouldn’t. If everything had gone to my plan, who knows where I would be now? Certainly some of the best parts of my life have been entirely unexpected.

Each day is definitely a lesson in humility. Yet, I still make daily lists and yearly resolutions. Who knows, maybe they will come true. If not, I’ll plan accordingly.

"You don't see that everyday!"