Eat and run

I've started running and have managed to gain five pounds. I'm not sure how it caught up with me. I think it must have been lying in wait on the side of the road and then jumped in my trunk like an unwanted hitchhiker. Or it could have something to do with the fact that every time I finish running, I am starving. Not just a little hungry, but full-on famished. And heaven (and my family) knows when I'm hungry, I must eat.

Did you see the yogurt commercial with John Stamos that aired during the Super Bowl? In case you didn't, Stamos and his girlfriend were cuddling at the kitchen table, and she was enjoying some yogurt when he playfully tried to get a taste. Her smile faded and then she head-butted him -- hard. Yes, I am that women. Well, except for the John Stamos part. I suspect my son recognized his mama in that character, because he laughed way too hard at it. Oh, yeah, and he said, "She acts just like you, Mom!"

My problem is that I can only eat food without gluten -- that means no wheat. I can remember being a kid and thinking I couldn't wait until I grew up, so I could eat anything I wanted. Of course, I also thought it would be great to stay up all night. I often think about that as I'm staring at the ceiling praying for sleep to come before the alarm goes off.

But, back to food ...

My husband used to get very outdone with me for not bringing snacks that I could eat when we were traveling. After 15 years, he finally wised up and started packing them for me. Our trips go something like this now ...

Me: Watch where you are going! You almost hit that ...

Husband: Reaches into the glove compartment and pulls out a bag.

Me: Say, are those sunflower seeds? Can I have some?

Husband: Smiles because he knows that just bought him time until we find a good barbecue joint en route.

Yes, food makes me happy, especially, I'm learning, after I've been running.

Like many locals, I got up early and ran a popular race through downtown last Saturday. I'm a beginner, and this was the perfect race for me. It's hard to quit when the streets are lined with your closest friends and neighbors cheering you on. Fortunately, after this race, barbecue chicken was close at hand, and it was some of the best I've ever eaten. And that's not just the 5K appetite talking.

In fact, I've discovered once I get beyond feeling like I'm going to die, running makes me feel good, too. My friend is encouraging me to run longer distances with her. Who knows? If I train hard enough, maybe I will. I just hope she remembers to pack the snacks. Perhaps, eating and running isn't such a bad thing, after all.

Webster's for women

A friend of mine remarked that his wife was going out for a while and posed the question: "How do women measure whiles?" I found it such a good question that I pondered it myself and realized we women do have a vocabulary of our own. And while I may be branded as a traitor, I decided to fill the men in our lives in on a few of our terms.

A little while -- Depends on the context. For example, if a woman asks, "In a little while, can you take out the garbage?" it means "right now." If she says, "I'm going shopping, I'll be back in a little while," then it means you'd better plan to make yourself dinner.

In a minute -- For example, if her child asked to play with playdough, and she says in a minute, that means never.

Someday -- If your wife says someday she wants a new kitchen and you say OK, then you'd better stock up on paper plates because she'll have it under construction by the following Monday. If, on the other hand, she says someday she'd like to get up at five and start going on family runs, don't worry, you won't be losing any sleep any time soon.

I guess I'm confused -- This is a Southern lady's way of saying, "I am right, and you know it, and I'm letting you know I know it -- in a polite way."

Maybe I'm wrong -- This means, "I am right, but I'm going to let you think you are."

I don't want anything for ____ (fill in the blank holiday) means, I want something for ________(fill in the blank holiday), and if you don't get me anything, I'll be mad.

"Don't let me eat any more chocolate" -- This does not mean you should comment when you hear the wrappers rattling in the kitchen pantry. In fact, this basically means that "when I want chocolate, stay out of my way." And, better yet, "Buy me more chocolate."

Bless her heart -- This phrase means I like her, but I'm about to talk about her anyway.

I want this recipe -- This means "These are delicious! No way are they from scratch."

I can't remember where I bought these shoes -- If she is speaking to a woman, it means "I got them at Payless, but I want you to think they are expensive." If she is talking to her husband, it usually means they are expensive, but she wants him to think they are cheap. She may also be saying, "You are a man. Since when do you notice my shoes?"

Book club -- A sophisticated name for drinking wine, eating appetizers and getting out of the house, so we can hang out with other women. And, yeah, reading a few books.

Girls' Night Out -- That means "a mental health night." Don't complain about her going, and you might get a good night kiss.